


Just to Let Go

by Janie94



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Flashbacks, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 23:56:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2170167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janie94/pseuds/Janie94
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now that Malekith is defeated, there is nothing left to distract Thor from the death of his little brother...</p>
<p>[Set during "Thor: The Dark World"; right after the victory over Malekith]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just to Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what is currently going on with my brain, but I'll be the last to complain about my sudden burst of inspiration.  
> I wrote this for my best friend and I thank her for urging me to do this, because I didn't realize up to now that this is an actual headcanon of mine.  
> It's basically what I firmly believe happened, but wasn't shown in the movie.

There was too much time.  
Too much time to think. To remember. To imagine. To hurt.  
  
Thor wished something would be able to distract him from the turmoil of his heart. But now that the fight against Malekith was over, he had nothing to keep his mind focused and his thoughts would unavoidably return to the two people he had lost, Frigga and Loki.  
He could still recall the utter despair he had felt at his mother’s funeral, the realization that she would never come back to him. Back then he had been sure there was no pain beyond that, but he had been wrong.  
Because shortly after that he had lost Loki. Again.  
  
It had felt different from the first time when Loki had vanished in the void caused by the Bifröst’s destruction. It was worse, because this time he didn’t have the tiny hope that Loki might have survived. This time he had witnessed his brother’s death with his own eyes and he still remembered every horrible detail.  
  
The look of fear in Loki’s eyes, his rushed panting, the way his veins had darkened and stood in contrast to the pale face which was turning to grey in a matter of seconds.  
  
But the worst of it all was that it was his fault. He had dragged his brother into this fight, he had acted that plan out knowing how risky it was.  
Loki had known it too.  
  
 _“You know this plan of yours is going to get us killed,” Loki told him with the hint of a smirk._  
 _“Yeah, possibly.”_  
  
When they had been children, Thor had promised Loki he would protect him yet he had failed to protect Loki from himself all this time.  
That realization had haunted him after Loki’s fall and he had wished he could turn back time and go back to a point before everything had gone wrong.  
  
So when Heimdall had told him and Odin that Loki was very much alive and on Midgard, Thor had believed he had been given a second chance.  
He had tried so hard to show Loki that he was loved and it was not too late to turn back and make this right. But Loki had changed and after his failed attempt to take over Midgard, Thor had thought his brother was gone.  
  
 _“You should know that when we fought each other in the past, I did so with a glimmer of hope that my brother was still in there somewhere. That hope no longer exists to protect you.”_  
  
How Thor regretted those words he had told Loki in the dungeons. Because in that moment he had broken his own promise to protect Loki from everything.  
He had seen it in Loki’s eyes, the knowledge that the last person who loved him had turned away from him, that he was truly alone now.  
  
It had been the moment when Thor hurt Loki the most that he saw the hope that his brother hadn’t vanished completely. That moment when he had used words of which he knew they would cut right through Loki’s heart.  
  
 _“You think you alone were loved of Mother? You had her tricks, but I had her trust!”_  
 _“Trust? Was that her last expression, trust? While you let her die?!”_  
 _Thor knew he should stop now, they were only hurting each other, but his heart was full of rage and grief and he needed someone to let it out._  
 _“What good were you in your cell?”_  
 _“Who put me there?”_  
 _And then something inside Loki’s mind snapped and his voice rose, filled with so many layers of emotions Thor couldn’t begin to unravel._  
 _“WHO PUT ME THERE?!”_  
 _Thor felt the guilt nudging at him, because he was indeed the one who did that, but it was overshadowed by anger. The anger that Loki still didn’t see that it were his own actions that had brought him to this point._  
 _“YOU KNOW DAMN WELL! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHO!”_  
 _And then they were not fighting with words anymore, they were grappling with each other and suddenly he had pinned Loki to the edge of the boat, one hand at his throat and the other fisted and ready to hit the younger god. The only thing that stopped him was the raw expression in his brother’s face, his eyes focused on Thor’s face as if he was his last thread of life._  
 _And Thor realized it was: Loki had lost everything, his friends, his father, his mother. The only one he had left was his brother and Thor understood that if he hit Loki now, he would cut that thread. The anger left Thor when he looked at how far they had drift apart and he lowered his fist stepping back from Loki._  
 _“She wouldn’t want us to fight.”_  
 _There it was, the hint of a fond smile at the curve of Loki’s lips and definitely sympathy._  
 _“Well, she wouldn’t exactly be surprised.”_  
 _And they were brothers again. Thor wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, because he had deemed his Loki lost yet here they were, just like old times. But there were so many wrongs in both their pasts and they had failed each other so many times that Thor knew there was still a long way to go._  
 _“I wish I could trust you.”_  
 _Loki took a step towards him and his expression changed to an intense mix of vulnerability and determination._  
 _“Trust my rage.”_  
 _And that reminded Thor that there was indeed something that was uniting them right now; the grief for their mother, their shared thirst for revenge. It was far from a good starting point, but at least it was one. They still had an eternity to fix this._  
  
But sometimes eternity is shorter than one would expect.  
  
 _Thor was sure his was about to end when Kurse raised his arm, ready to strike the death blow. But then he jerked when a blade ripped through his chest from behind. While the creature turned around and revealed Loki as Thor’s savior, he reveled in the feeling that Loki had just made the first big step to something new between them, a bond that wasn’t twisted by their past decisions. Loki was as desperate as Thor to make this right again. But before Thor could even begin to smile at that unexpected discovery, Kurse gripped Loki’s arm and slammed him forward, the other end of the blade tearing through Loki’s body with the sickening sound of ripping flesh. Loki gasped in both surprise and pain while Thor’s eyes widened in horror._  
 _“NOOO!”_  
 _And their eternity was taken away from them._  
  
Thor didn’t notice that he was crying until he felt Jane’s hand on his arm bringing him back to the present. Her look was pitiful, because she knew what he had been thinking of; she knew because he couldn’t stop thinking about this.  
  
“Thor, this was not your fault.”  
  
Thor snorted in denial.  
“He got killed because he saved my life. What about this is not my fault?”  
  
He tried to turn away from her, but she didn’t let go and her voice was growing impatient in her attempt to make him believe.  
“It was his own choice. Don’t insult him by taking this on yourself.”  
  
Thor closed his eyes at the truth in her words.  
“You’re right, of course. But it does not change the bitter fact that I let him down. I once swore to protect him, no matter what the cost. Yet I failed to do that, I let him be killed in front of my own eyes.”  
  
Jane grabbed his face and looked at him intently.  
“Listen to me, Thor. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. One of you would have died either way and Loki made this decision for both of you. He chose you. What better way is there to redeem oneself?”  
  
Thor pulled her into the hug he needed right now, but it didn’t stop the ache in his heart.  
“I didn’t want it to be like this, Jane. We were supposed to make this up to each other and fix this broken mess together.”  
  
He disentangled himself from her and then he roared in anger, his fist smashing the table next to him.  
  
“He was not supposed to do this alone!”  
  
Jane backed away when she saw the dark clouds over Asgard, the sudden rain drumming down and the lightening illuminating the sky.

Thor didn’t seem to care.  
“He was not supposed to throw his life away.”  
Then Thor broke down sobbing and the anger was gone.

Jane knelt down at his side, her hand rubbing soothing circles on his back and her voice barely above a whisper.  
“He gave his life to save yours. Doesn’t that show how much he still loved you despite everything that happened? And you wanted him to love you again, right? Now you know that deep down he never stopped.”  
  
She was simply trying to make him feel better, Thor knew that, but her words made it only worse because she was right.  
He had abandoned his little brother because he had believed him lost. But the Loki he loved had always been there, buried under the mask of hatred and lies that Loki had created to protect himself from the world.  
“I should have protected him,” he repeated and it sounded more like a plea though he had no idea to whom.  
  
Jane left him to his grief knowing that he needed this and Thor didn’t move from his spot on the floor until the doors to his room opened and his friends were approaching him cautiously.  
Thor looked up to them and noted that even the always cheerful Fandral was tense.

The five of them stared at each other in silence, then Sif finally crouched down to him.  
“Thor, your brother needs a funeral.”  
  
Thor laughed humorlessly.  
“I know, Lady Sif, but I would like it to be a proper funeral.”  
  
She sighed when she followed his thoughts.  
“You want to burn his body.”  
  
“He died a warrior’s death and he deserves to go to Valhalla with all the rites being performed.”  
  
Volstagg placed his hand on Thor’s shoulder.  
“We know. But we don’t have his body.”  
  
“I will go find it. I owe him at least that much.”  
  
Fandral extended his hand to him.  
“Then we will help you, Thor.”  
  
Thor took his hand with a sad smile and let Fandral pull him up.  
Side by side they left the room and several minutes later, they were crossing the rainbow bridge to meet Heimdall, but the gatekeeper was not alone.  
  
The Allfather was standing next to him eyeing the approaching Asgardians calmly.  
“My son, you finally leave your room for the first time in days and you do not seek to speak a few words with me? I feel offended.”  
  
Thor ignored the taunt.  
“Father, allow me to travel to Svartalfheim with my friends. We want to retrieve Loki’s corpse to prepare a fitting funeral.”  
  
Odin’s expression was unreadable.  
“Hela needs no corpse to grant a soul entrance to Hel.”  
  
Thor’s brow furrowed and he felt Mjölnir trembling at his belt in response to his suppressed anger.  
“I was referring to Valhalla, not Hel.”  
  
Thor could swear he saw a glint in Odin’s eyes, but it was only for a brief moment.  
“Very well, then I will not stop you.”  
  
With that he left and Thor turned to the gatekeeper.  
“Heimdall, please open the Bifröst for us.”  
  
“As you wish, my prince.”  
He pushed his sword into the slit and the dome came to life.  
  
When they were finally standing in the realm of the Dark Elves, they immediately split up to search for Loki’s body. But even though Thor was sure that this was the exact spot where they had fought – he would never forget the place where Kurse had hammered him into the ground like he was a punch bag – they still hadn’t found him when the night was setting in.  
  
Thor felt Sif’s hand touching his arm in an attempt of comfort, but it did little to ease his pain.  
“I haven’t been able to protect him, now I’m not even able to give him an honourable funeral. I wonder if the Norns laugh at me right now.”  
  
“You have done everything you could.”  
  
 _“I will tell Father what you did here, today.”_  
 _“I didn’t do it for him.”_  
  
And Thor screamed like he had done when Loki had gone limp in his arms and his friends let him. The sky darkened and the thunder was raging for a few hours while Thor was mourning for what he had lost.


End file.
